Canis passivus.

The only way my dog would ever bark at a burglar would be if the burglar had a squirrel sitting on top of his head.

Gas Station Snooze.

Independent station Globe Gas has the cheapest in town, cash only. I always feel tremendous empathy for the woman who works there. Bleached blond, mid-fiftiesh and wry, she is freckled, kind of funny, and would otherwise fit in well waiting tables, dealing cards or chatting behind the bar at the local bowling alley. Driving up to the pump and entering the cramped room where she sits every day, all day, I contemplated my good fortune at not having her job. I found her dozing off, leaning to one side in her chair. Saying "Good morning" didn't do the trick, but clearing my throat and repeating it softer did. We pretended not to notice she'd been snoozing. I simply said, "Twenty on three, please," and smiled. As I left, I wondered if she ever contemplates her good fortune at being able to take a much-needed catnap on the job, at will and without repercussion.

Poor thing. Probably not. This is probably just one of the two, three or four jobs she has to hold down to make ends meet. Nonetheless, I try to never judge a soul by the body. Unless you're Britney Spears, and then I am just sick of you.

Rules to Live By.

End a quarrel.
Seek out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust.
Write a love letter.
Share some treasure.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in word and deed.
Keep a promise.
Find the time.
Forgo a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Listen.
Apologize if you were wrong.
Try to understand.
Flaunt envy.
Examine your demands on others.
Think first of someone else.
Appreciate.
Be kind; be gentle.
Laugh a little.
Laugh a little more.
Deserve confidence.
Take up arms against malice.
Decry complacency.
Express your gratitude.
Go to church.
Welcome a stranger.
Gladden the heart of a child.
Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the Earth.
Speak your love.
Speak it again.
Speak it still once again.

Memo to my producer.

Dear Terry: Do you think we could bring the tracks to Don't Want to Know back up, get rid of the rain sounds and add a kind of Beatles-esque, backwards, sort of sucking noise, like a backwards cymbol maybe? Because my life kind of uh, sucks right now and I think it would sound cool, and be symbolic. What's your life like right now in terms of the studio expansion? Are you still under construction? I hope you are doing well. Carry on.

Missed Opportunity Number #143:

Update. So now I'm NOT going to Reno soon to see the Reverend Billy C. Wirtz and his boogie woogie soul-saving barrelhouse blues and comedy show at the First Annual Hayseed Hoot. I WAS very excited, because he is just the coolest, funniest piano playing comedian I've ever heard and besides, I managed to land a front-row seat. I highly recommend you go see Reverend Billy at the Kuumbwa Jazz Center on September 17. Tickets are available through Snazzy . . . and click on "Tickets.") Maybe there's still time. This is my hero we're talking about.

Halleloo-yeehaaaww.

Chocolate Heart.

According to the article "Chocolate May Prevent Heart Attacks," apparently dear President Clinton has not been consuming nearly enough chocolate. He'll be fine, but may wish to reconsider that strategy.